The Bean

When you make the choice to become involved in horses, there are things you simply can't know in advance.  Other horse owners try to prepare you but even the most experienced equestrians can't prepare you for everything.  You don't know about the hell of a colicing horse until it happens.  You don't learn about how to put a standing wrap on a horse intent on dancing Swan Lake instead until you attempt it.  You aren't aware of the complexity of stud choice (which unfortunately has zero to do with hot guys) before cross country.  And for damn sure no one tells you about the bean.

If you've only owned mares, you and the bean have likely never met but if you have a gelding, you know exactly what I'm talking about.  The bean is an evasive and shy creature, not easy to retrieve. Some geldings have one and some do not.  The bean is an unwelcome intruder.  In order for your gelding to stay healthy, the bean must go.  Some geldings have small beans, some have enormous beans, but sooner or later, they all have beans.

One fine sunny day, we were at the barn tacking up for a ride.  My daughter's gelding loves to take a nice long pee after we put on his protective boots but before we put on the saddle.  Ask me how much I love scrubbing stinky horse pee boots!  On this day, my daughter said "Mom, I think Sir Peesalot has something wrong with him."  Visualizing yet another call to the vet resulting in Ramen dinners for the next month, I ran over to see what was ailing Sir Pees.  There he was, all ready for his pre-ride whizz glory, only he wasn't. Wasn't whizzing, that is.  Sir Pees was stretched out, as per normal, his impressive gelding parts were hanging out, as usual.  He had an intent "I'm peeing" look on his face only nothing was happening.  No splash of horsey urine was soiling those clean protective boots and it was terrifying.  It must be kidney failure!  Horsey cancer!  The end of the world!

One of the kale eating, undernourished, sniffy dressage divas at the barn who could rarely be bothered to mutter a "hello" to us eventers, walked by with her five thousand dollar saddle in hand, saw Sir Pees' dilemma and said imperiously  "That horse has a bean.  Get it out so he can pee!"  A bean?  What is this bean?  I immediately grabbed a more friendly fellow boarder and said "Our horse can't pee!  Do you think he is in kidney failure?"  She casually said "Eh, he probably just has a bean."

WHAT IS THIS BEAN?  Too embarrassed to admit I didn't know any type of bean that would cause a horse to stop peeing, I enclosed myself in a stall and whipped out my cell phone.  Googling "horse bean" the first entry that came up was vicia faba aka broad bean.  Knowing it couldn't be the an edible bean (please God no), I moved on to the second entry which was Male Horse Hygiene.  Uh, what?

Fearfully clicking on the article, I  learned that the sheath of male horses need to be cleaned periodically.  Apparently you stick your hand up in there, grab the boy parts, pull it out and clean it to get all the crusty stuff off.  Oh gross!  But that's not all!  According to the article in The Horse:

"Besides just the sheath, if the buildup is not periodically washed off, dried smegma, mixed with dirt, sweat, and fat cells, surrounded by mineral salts from the urine, can form a clay-like ball of debris at the end of the penis. It accumulates in the urethral diverticulum, which is a small pocket near the urethra (the tube that carries the urine from the bladder). The ball of debris, commonly called a "bean," will be lodged in this pocket just inside the opening of the penis. - See more at: http://www.thehorse.com/articles/13885/male-horse-hygiene#sthash.Tv0bPVlb.dpuf"

The article then described how to reach into the urethra and dig out the bean.  No.  No, no, no.  You want me to dig what out of where?  There are lines to be drawn in life and putting my head under an uncomfortable male horse and trying to squeeze a bean out of his penis is one of those hard lines. Someone should have told me about this, I would have bought a mare! How do I tell an eight year old that her horse has a blockage in his penis?  How do I even say the word "penis" to an eight year old without having her cringe and run away in horror, giggling because Mom said "penis"? After thinking about the situation for a few minutes, I sent my husband a text reading "Calling the vet.  Please stop by the store and pick up a case of Ramen on the way home."